friends no friends

Had been up and down recently, just dunno what exactly causes it.

Walk alone, eat alone and emo alone.

I'm blues, coz having never ending frustration, from books to people.

I'm white, coz the mind is blank whenever I tried to think rationally.

I'm grey, coz always in the downward slope of the mood graph.

I'm invisible, coz no one ever sees what's within and beyond me.

Someone said something about me of being self-centered and thinks of having bf is as though having the whole world. The whole world here doesn't include friends and other surroundings. Am I? But I seriously still needed them around for me. So how are friends being defined?

According to google search results, a friend is

1. a person whom one knows, likes and trusts

2. a person attached to another by feelings of affection

3. a person who supports, sympathizes with X

4. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter X

Basically, a friend should be there for you no matter in good or in blues, and the way round. I was there when she needed support, when she needed some lending ears, when she just needed someone to kepochi together, and when she needed financial assist. But were she there when I am in my greys? Did they ever asked? No. I could use some concern when they are willingly to offer some. No harm. I could use a lending shoulder if they are willingly to lent one. No harm. But does anyone cares? Really doubting it 101%. Honestly, I'm not independent. I'm always depending on someone. Bf or non-bf. Can't stand on own's 2 feet. But think back and think deep, I should really be on my own. Friends or no friends, they won't gonna be there for you forever. This is reality, as much as u can't accept it, better be. Coz when u give out 99%, u aren't gonna get back 45% of it. This is life, and this is what I've learned. It's true that when they said u don't go expect what u will gain in return of your favor. So, this leave with only one option. Don't ever care for others at the max point, cos in the end, u will gain nothing. Fair enough.

Maybe this explains why I LOVE being alone nowadays. Keep everything to myself. Don't go kepochi so much. Wanna have time for myself, can't afford to 'eng siu' others when u were left with less than 6 hours a day for own leisure. Like me or not, be it. I've had enough, and i deserve better, rather than being hook on the nose and so whatever u all like.

Call me a barbarian. Call me a nuisance. Call me whatever you want.

I ain't a bitch, so don't force me to be one.